Dear Brené,

As I’ve rumbled with shame, identity, criticism and nostalgia I see that I’ve cut off parts of my true self, silenced parts. In being the name of being tough and strong and resilient I’ve created emotional orphans. If you’re  not living wholeheartedly you forget how to really be yourself.

Being vulnerable and recognizing that I wasn’t the person I wanted to be was scary. I look at photos of myself in my thirties and ask, ‘Who was that person?’

Rumbling with my emotions is like watching a Sci-Fi movie where a robot is shattered to a million pieces then gathers itself back together.

I’m now at the place where it feels like all the pieces are coming back together.

Nostalgia

Definition: experiencing or exhibiting nostalgia, a sentimental or wistful yearning for the happiness felt in a former place, time, or situation.

Yesterday I went to a reunion of people I worked with over a period of twelve years. Some are still working, some are retired, some have moved into a whole new sphere of life. As we sat and reminisced, updated each other on what has happened in our lives it was easy to romanticise the past. It was a time and place in my  life where I knew who I was and where I fitted. I felt whole.

Sometimes I want to run back to that time and place and recapture the way I felt, but I’m homesick for a place that doesn’t exist.

I’ve moved on.

The others have moved on.

We still love each other. Respect each other. Would work together in a heart beat. Without those people, I wouldn’t the person  I am today.

But we’ve changed. The workplace has changed. Even if we went back it wouldn’t be the same.

It’s a picture of how my life is growing and changing. Not only have I changed what I do—I write, I don’t teach high school —I’ve changed who I am.

Rumbling with my emotions ensures I won’t be the same person in the future.

Criticism

Definition: the expression of disapproval of someone or something on the basis of perceived faults or mistakes.

Brené when you said that you write the list of people allowed to criticise you on a  Post-It note it made sense. For too long the list of people I’ve allowed to criticise me has been too long.

There are only a couple of people I accept criticism of my writing from. People who understand writing, who understand me and who do it in such a way as to help me become a better writer, not tear me down.

So why have I allowed so many people to criticise my life? I get pulled and pushed in different directions. I get snowballed under an avalanche of shame. In the process my  thoughts are frozen, creativity dies, confidence plummets, fear and shame expand.

I’m learning to discern the voices I allow to speak into my life. I’m learning to ignore the people in the cheap seats. I’m learning to only listen to the people who are in the arena with me.

Identity

Definition: Who we are, who others think we are, and what it means to belong and not belong.

Brené you’ve articulated a process that’s been going on in my life for a while now. You may call it rumbling. I call it, ‘Cutting the Crap.’

Rising Strong is giving me permission to be authentic, vulnerable, brave and daring in ways I never imagined and taking me to places in my soul I never dreamed of.

 When you told us, ‘I’m not who I thought I was supposed to be or who I always pictured myself being,’ my heart resonated with truth.

When you told us you, ‘Let go of the images of me in Manhattan and started trying to embrace the real me,’ I felt relief.

I’m embracing the real me.

I’m allowing the real me to be seen and heard.

A more authentic me.

I am a mix of tough and tender, brave and afraid, strong and struggling—all of those things, all of the time. I’m a mix of the past and present and my past is not all good or all bad.

So, Brené as I continue to understand my past, love myself, own my story I will move forward. One rumble at a time.

Your Friend,

Elaine

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Rising Strong is a lifelong journey. As you continue to rumble with your emotions do you feel you are becoming ‘more nearly whole’?